Hello, My Name Is.........

.........???????

HELP ME! HELP US! HELP OUR BABY!

Would you kindly offer some name suggestions?? I have visited every "naming" website known to man, own 5 naming books, and still we cannot seem to name our daughter!

• I would like her middle name to be "Annette" after my Aunt that passed away a few years ago.
• I hated that I had no formal name (just Teri) but I like nicknames- particularly those that end in "i" or with that "ee" sound- as in "Howie", "Teri", "Nicki", and "Gabi".
• I don't want a name that every other child in her Kindergarten class will have- it has to be unique- yet classy.

So- there's your mission- should you choose to accept it.

Oh, and I promise not to laugh at or ridicule your suggestions, if you promise not to be angry if I don't use them. :)

Phew!

We are still okay. We are still in this. She has reassured us that she is certain about her choice. She is relieved with her choice. Adoption is like the most EXTREME of roller coaster rides with ups and downs, twists and turns, and sharp starts and stops. We found an attorney we think is going to be fabulous! Can you hear the collective output of our giant sighs?

Nervous....

Oh I am sooo nervous. I KNOW that I tend to be overly sensitive (and paranoid). I have ALWAYS had that issue. So, I am TRYING to remind myself of that. But, I haven't heard from our PBM in a few days, despite having emailed and called her a few times. I am TRYING to draw the line between initiating contact and stalking. It's so very hard. I just DON'T know what to think. I am sure that everything is fine, that I am just overreacting. I realize that she has a busy life and I need to give her space. It's just so hard not knowing. I HATE not KNOWING. I HATE that I need such constant reassurance. It reminds me of how I must have been as a girlfriend- always worrying that the worst would happen. It's a wonder my husband ever married me- in remember how needy I was! So, if you would, please send some prayers our way. Prayers for us and for her as well. I really adore this woman, and pray that she is okay.

Some Days....

...are easier than others. There have been times in this adoption process- this past 17+ months where I have been completely confident that it WILL happen for us. Other days, I have been discouraged, feeling almost certain that there was little to no chance of adopting again. Even since being matched, I've had days that are better than others. Some days it feels GREAT- I have an amazing connection with our potential birth mom. She is a woman of strength. On those days, I believe that this part of our journey- the waiting- is nearing its end. Then there are other days saturated with doubt. Figuring out the logistics. Attorneys. Travel. Attorneys. Finances. Attorneys. Today is a day of questions. I hope that tomorrow is a day of answers.

Welcome 2008

Happy New Year to One and All! I am so hopeful for the many things to come this year.

If all goes as planned (God willing) this will be a full year for us.

- PRAYING for the arrival of our daughter in March.
-Howie celebrates a milestone bday in March as well.
-Nicki graduates from high school in June.
-Nicki leaves for college in Aug.
-Gabi starts Kindergarten in Sept.

I am so full of hope for our family, as well as for our loved ones.

May this be known as "The Year of the Baby" for all of us waiting!!!

I'm ABOUT to BURST!

Pending verification from STAR---We are MATCHED! We have been found by the MOST AMAZING birth mom! You know that feeling when you talk to someone for the first time, yet you feel like you have known them forever? That's how it is with Angela. She is sooooo easy to talk to. Okay-- here are all the details:

Thursday AM: Called STAR to get some support- was feeling defeated and down about the possibility of EVER being parents again.

Thursday afternoon: Received a call on our 800 number from Angela. Spoke for about 10 mins. She indicated that she was 6 months pregnant. Was unsure of using a newspaper ad to connect with an adoptive family. She seemed relieved when I told her we were also working with an agency. Told her the next step would be for her to call STAR. As soon as we hung up, she called them! :)

Friday AM (11:19 am): Angela called again to tell us that she was choosing us. She had seen our profile online and felt comfortable after speaking with STAR.

Sooooo- at this point it looks like all systems are "Go". Of course we know that anything can happen, but I am "Helplessly Hopeful" that this IS IT! Hopefully, STAR will get her paperwork back from her tomorrow and can review it. FINGERS CROSSED!

Please pray for Angela and her strength throughout this process. Thanks!

Ohhh AND one more thing....... she found out yesterday that she is having a GIRL!

:) I LOVE PINK! :)

No Matter What I do.....

nothing seems to work. We were profiled again this week. I tried the don't-tell-anyone-so-as-not-to-jinks-it routine. Found out today we weren't chosen. Throws that theory out the window. I am trying so hard to be strong, to be positive, to keep an open mind. It's just the days like these that throw me back to a place of doubt and insecurity. The good news is that my recovery time appears to be improving. I already feel a little better. I only spent a few hours in "baby mode" as Vicky dubbed it (the time after not being chosen where I can't function). This is good. I used to live there for days. I have the most amazing daughter I could have ever hoped for. I have a step-daughter who fills us with love. Maybe this is where our life is? Maybe we are only meant for these two beautiful girls? I don't say that with self-pity- I say it with realistic expectation. I guess only time will tell. It's in God's hands. It always has been. It always will be.

Bittersweet Joy

YAY! CONGRATULATIONS are in order here! Friends of ours who have waited for so long, too long are picking up thier son as I write this! How amazingly wonderful! My heart is full of joy for them. Unfortunately, it's also mixed with that pit in my stomach that always seems to surface when a friend announces a pregnancy. I couldn't be happier for them and I'm disgusted with myself for not being able to detach myself from the pain of my own empty arms. Maybe disgusted is too harsh. I also spent time tonight visiting with a recent (07) graduate and her 2 week old daughter. I know our time is nearing, I can feel it. Had another call on the 800 number this morning. That makes 2. She said she would call back in a bit (her children needed her) and she hasn't yet. That was at 9:00 this morning. UGH!

Ouch! This REALLY Hurts!

Today we heard those dreaded words once again "chose to place with another family". I cried. I wailed. I felt sorry for myself. I moved on, with one more reason that our placement will be that much sweeter when it's right. When it happens. I am starting to feel a bit desperate, and I don't like that. I have decided to fully put myself "out there" hoping to find that connection that is meant to be. I know it's out there. I can't yet understand the reason why it took 3 months to bring home Gabi, and at 14 months we are seemingly no closer to baby number 2. I can only imagine that it is because our baby hasn't been born yet. Our baby and the connection that will bring with his or her birth family is in the making. I just know it. I can feel it. We are currently running ads in 3 newspapers, and a few on-line forums.

I am reminded of the following words that have helped me through so many "almosts" (and as we know, almost doesn't count in horseshoes or adoption)

"I don't think a Birth parent chooses her child's parents, as from a Chinese menu, but, rather, recognizes them." ~Amy Jo L.

Wish Upon a STAR

We finally did it! We moved Nicki downstairs into her new bedroom, and started work on the nursery. Thanks to the help of my dear friend Sue, it is turning out more beautiful than I could have ever imagined!

I chose the Twinkle Twinkle pattern from PBK. I LOVE it!!!

Come on LITTLE ONE!!!! We're All Ready!!!!!!

One Year Today

The ticker at the top of my blog reminded me that today marks the one year anniversary of our wait for baby number 2 (as if I really needed that ticker to remind me).

After a short 3 month wait to bring Gabi home, we figured number 2 would be a piece of cake. We were under the naive, mistaken assumption that our journey would be equally as blissful. Although, in a strange way, I do not have entirely negative feelings about this wait.

I have learned appreciation. I appreciate this beautiful blonde haired, pig tailed child "gabing" away next to me, every single day. I also think when our baby does come (when, not if) it will feel that much sweeter.

....and still nothing

Nope. No baby yet. We were profiled once this week and not chosen. We were also waiting to be profiled by a couple that decided to have STAR pick the family. There were three of us who had agreed to be profiled for this particular case. When STAR is asked to choose, they go with the family that has been waiting the longest, which wasn't us. It makes total sense to me, and I am happy for the family who's dreaded wait is nearing it's end. I know this just means our baby hasn't found us yet. I want it to be right, truly I do. It's just that we passed that "nine month" mark this week. That means I am officially overdue. Being so late, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and just "ready for this baby to come!"

Uncontrollable

One word to describe my life: uncontrollable. The problem with that is that I have spent years of my life tricking myself into thinking that I had total control over things. It was essential. I needed that feeling of control for my "safety". What now? Now that I face yet another month, another week, another day, another hour, another minute, another second, waiting. My heart aches. It's the unknown that gets me. If I just had something to grasp, to keep me a float while I await this due date that never comes. A due date. Life is measured in time. With a due date you know if you're early, or late, or perfectly on time. Without one there is no measure of your progress. No measure of how far you've come, and how much further you've to go.

I feel like have this secret life, my own personal hell....this is where I live:

I NEVER let more than 10 minutes pass without looking at my phone to make sure that I didn't miss a 716 call.

I JUMP with hopeless expectation EVERY time my phone rings. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I can't walk through my own house without feeling like an inmate at San Quentin. The baby gear that sits unused glaring at me, taunting me reminds me that I am trapped, with my release in the hands of others.

I feel guilty many days because I should be happy with what God has given me. With that little angelic presence who said to me today, quite randomly: "If you weren't my Mommy, I would be so sad I wouldn't ever come out of my room."

I refuse to get our family pictures done because they will feel too empty.

I feel guilty because some days I think I spend more time thinking about the child that is to come, than the ones that are already here.

and then there was this one other thing. this one connection that felt so right. maybe it was going to lead to our child. maybe it wasn't. either way, i was okay with that. it was more about the force, the momentum with which innocent exchanges just made sense. where something beyond my control tells me to stick with it. the reason is not yet clear- it quite possibly has nothing to do with bringing our baby home. it doesn't matter. what matters is that something tells me this is important. this is significant. so i'm going to pay attention.

Here comes the GLUM

Oh I can't help it. I TRY to be positive. HONEST, I DO! I have been near tears many times tonight at the thought that we haven't been matched. Eight months. Ten before that when we were optimistically waiting for another baby that never existed. Eighteen months. I have dreamt of holding this baby in my arms for eighteen months. The worst part is the dreams. I have dreams of babies. My baby. Holding my baby. Smelling my baby. I can't stand that moment when I have awoken- caught between an image so vivid it must be real, and the world around me where it's all too real. I have lost my baby again. Last night I dreamt that one of my student's (who is not at all likely to fall into this scenario) gave birth to a baby boy. She asked us to parent him. She was certain about her decision. I held him. I kissed him. I felt him in my arms. The questions-- How much longer? How much longer until our baby finds us? How much longer til I hold him/her in my arms? How much longer until our family swells? How much longer can I do this?

She's not placing

She is going to put the baby into foster care, in hopes of getting her back "in a few years." Sigh. I'm going to paste a happier post now..........

Nothing Yet

Haven't heard from anyone at STAR today. Sigh. Thought we'd know either way by now. I'm so sad. I wish my stupid heart and brain would stop trying to tell me that this is our child. She is NOT ours. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

tick tock tick tock tick tock

Putting it ALL out there......

Sigh. I hesitate to write this for a few reasons. First, I am afraid of jinxing "it"- although I KNOW it is NOT in my hands. God is in control, and He has a plan for us. Even though I sometimes allow myself to believe "if I just pray hard enough....." Anyway, I digress. Another reason that I hesitate before posting here about a potential match (oh, did I mention that WE ARE BEING PROFILED TOMORROW????) is that I know there are many of my "waiting com padres" out there. I wonder "what if we are being profiled for the 'same' baby, how would that be?" Well AGAIN-- DUH Teri, it's not up to us. It has little to do with us and everything to do with God's plan for us.
SOOOOOO---- today I sent an email to Michele and Sara about possibly "re-vamping" our profile with more of a focus on Howie and I as a couple, and less on the girls. Michele responded by asking me to call her today. Soooooo- I gave her a ring. After asking for her, Sara came to the phone. She apologized for "stealing" me from Michele, but indicated that she had my file on her desk and was about to call. WHAT?! She said there was a "baby girl born yesterday" and did I want to hear more. THOSE WORDS---"baby girl born yesterday"-- I have heard them ONCE before........about 3.5 years ago.
The baby is in Indiana- where there is currently a HUGE snowstorm. She is healthy, albeit tiny, weighing in at only "a little over 5 pounds." Oh, and yes WE are expecting a HUGE snowstorm tonight. They will be showing her as many as 4 profiles tomorrow. It's in God's hands....although, if anyone reading wants to say a prayer please pray for strength- strength for birthmom, for baby, for the family she chooses, and whether or not that is us, please pray for our strength as well.

I was prepared for this....NOT

Well, the words came from Gretchen today, before she even spoke them. I could tell that there was no miraculous change of heart here, no "I'm about to change your life" tone in her voice. Sigh. "They are going to parent this baby" Of course they are. I knew that. I could feel it in my heart. So WHY did I anticipate this phone call ALL weekend? Why did my heart skip a beat when I saw the familiar 212 area code on my phone? Because I am an optimist. I will forever believe in the possibility of things, until reality slaps me straight across the face. So- "Good-bye little guy! May you have a beautiful life."

Hurry Up and Wait!

Ahhh! I am choosing red text because I am on FIRE! WTF? Social worker isn't meeting with Lisa and her Aunt until Monday- because that is "the earliest the Aunt was available for an appointment." WHAT? Tell me I have the chance to parent this little guy, and I'm there in as long as it takes me to throw some clothes into a suit case and drive 90 to get there! This isn't a freakin Dr. appointment that can just be re-scheduled here. We are talking about a human being. A tiny, helpless, needs-a-permanent-home-fast-so-he-can-bond-with-someone-forever-and-ever human being!!!