--I found this on my computer today- I wrote it on April 30, 2007 almost a year before Ellie was born. Thought it might help my waiting friends.
Uncontrollable
One word to describe my life: uncontrollable. The problem with that is that I have spent years of my life tricking myself into thinking that I had total control over things. It was essential. I needed that feeling of control for my "safety". What now? Now that I face yet another month, another week, another day, another hour, another minute, another second, waiting. My heart aches. It's the unknown that gets me. If I just had something to grasp, to keep me a float while I await this due date that never comes. A due date. Life is measured in time. With a due date you know if you're early, or late, or perfectly on time. Without one there is no measure of your progress. No measure of how far you've come, and how much further you've to go.
I feel like have this secret life, my own personal hell.... this is where I live:
I NEVER let more than 10 minutes pass without looking at my phone to make sure that I didn't miss a 716 call.
I JUMP with hopeless expectation EVERY time my phone rings. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I can't walk through my own house without feeling like an inmate at San Quentin. The baby gear that sits unused glaring at me, taunting me reminds me that I am trapped, with my release in the hands of others.
I feel guilty many days because I should be happy with what God has given me. With that little angelic presence who said to me today, quite randomly: "If you weren't my Mommy, I would be so sad I wouldn't ever come out of my room."
I refuse to get our family pictures done because they will feel too empty.
I feel guilty because some days I think I spend more time thinking about the child that is to come, than the ones that are already here.
I find myself yearning for this baby to arrive; to be able to spend the rest of my life nurturing and growing this amazing being. To be there for all the "firsts", and seconds, and thirds. Then it occurs to me; she won't get to see these things. As I am suspended in this "waiting" phase, so is she. She only gets to spend nine months nurturing and growing this amazing being. I imagine what she must be feeling. Whether she is in her 4th week or her 40th, she is also waiting. Her wait must be infinitely harder than mine.
I need to look beyond myself. Beyond my yearnings and imagine hers.
So wherever you may be, I admire you, I believe in you and I ache for you.
3 comments:
Many of those words and feelings rang through me as well... It is very hard to cope when the unknown is SO greatly uncontrollable!! Time being the hardest variable.
The waiting is so terribly hard. I remember calling my home phone from work to check messages about 3times a day to make sure I didn't miss a call(just in case Sue K called there instead of work). Not knowing when is so hard.
Look at the beautiful family you have now. It makes me feel hopeful that one day you can write that not knowing that your baby is on his or her way to your heart.
That is so wonderfully written! Oh how we've all been there huh? I hope it gives others hope as well...your family is beautiful and your prayers were answered!
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