Tuesday, March 17, 2009

"Eye" Just Don't Know!


Took Ellie to the eye Dr. today. Her left tear duct is still clogged which means that she is going to need surgery. It's a minor procedure, but she will need to have general anesthesia. Ugh!!!!!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Spring has SPRUNG! (for today, anyways)


Oh how I LOVE THE SPRING!!!!! Spring is blissful anticipation. The kind where you awake each day, knowing that the earth is awakening with you. Spring is full of renewal; it's like that old friend, who no matter how much time passes between visits, you can pick up right where you left off without missing a beat. I love that after Spring comes SUMMER. The knowledge that for the next 6 months or so, warm weather and sunshine are sure to follow. The dread of winter is not upon us. It's nearly a memory, despite what our calendars say. So, I for one say WELCOME BACK, SPRING. Welcome back!






Thursday, March 12, 2009

Uncontrollable- Waiting for an Adoption

--I found this on my computer today- I wrote it on April 30, 2007 almost a year before Ellie was born. Thought it might help my waiting friends.

Uncontrollable

One word to describe my life: uncontrollable. The problem with that is that I have spent years of my life tricking myself into thinking that I had total control over things. It was essential. I needed that feeling of control for my "safety". What now? Now that I face yet another month, another week, another day, another hour, another minute, another second, waiting. My heart aches. It's the unknown that gets me. If I just had something to grasp, to keep me a float while I await this due date that never comes. A due date. Life is measured in time. With a due date you know if you're early, or late, or perfectly on time. Without one there is no measure of your progress. No measure of how far you've come, and how much further you've to go.

I feel like have this secret life, my own personal hell.... this is where I live:

I NEVER let more than 10 minutes pass without looking at my phone to make sure that I didn't miss a 716 call.

I JUMP with hopeless expectation EVERY time my phone rings. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I can't walk through my own house without feeling like an inmate at San Quentin. The baby gear that sits unused glaring at me, taunting me reminds me that I am trapped, with my release in the hands of others.

I feel guilty many days because I should be happy with what God has given me. With that little angelic presence who said to me today, quite randomly: "If you weren't my Mommy, I would be so sad I wouldn't ever come out of my room."

I refuse to get our family pictures done because they will feel too empty.

I feel guilty because some days I think I spend more time thinking about the child that is to come, than the ones that are already here.

I find myself yearning for this baby to arrive; to be able to spend the rest of my life nurturing and growing this amazing being. To be there for all the "firsts", and seconds, and thirds. Then it occurs to me; she won't get to see these things. As I am suspended in this "waiting" phase, so is she. She only gets to spend nine months nurturing and growing this amazing being. I imagine what she must be feeling. Whether she is in her 4th week or her 40th, she is also waiting. Her wait must be infinitely harder than mine.

I need to look beyond myself. Beyond my yearnings and imagine hers.

So wherever you may be, I admire you, I believe in you and I ache for you.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Happy First Birthday, Cullen!!!


Happy Birthday to our Little Man! We love you, Cullen!!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Happy First Birthday, Elliana!!!

I am definitely the luckiest woman alive. Happy Happy Birthday to Elliana! This little girl has completed our family in so many ways.











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