Here comes the GLUM

Oh I can't help it. I TRY to be positive. HONEST, I DO! I have been near tears many times tonight at the thought that we haven't been matched. Eight months. Ten before that when we were optimistically waiting for another baby that never existed. Eighteen months. I have dreamt of holding this baby in my arms for eighteen months. The worst part is the dreams. I have dreams of babies. My baby. Holding my baby. Smelling my baby. I can't stand that moment when I have awoken- caught between an image so vivid it must be real, and the world around me where it's all too real. I have lost my baby again. Last night I dreamt that one of my student's (who is not at all likely to fall into this scenario) gave birth to a baby boy. She asked us to parent him. She was certain about her decision. I held him. I kissed him. I felt him in my arms. The questions-- How much longer? How much longer until our baby finds us? How much longer til I hold him/her in my arms? How much longer until our family swells? How much longer can I do this?

Her Father's Daughter

Gabi's pre-school had a Trike-a-Thon fundraiser for St. Jude's research today. Her teacher told me about the following conversation that took place:

Teacher to the class: We are raising this money to give to kids who are sick to help them.

Gabi: Well my Daddy is sick, can we give the money to him?

Howie being the money miser that he is says "That's my girl!!"

As if ONE isn't enough!!!!

Tomorrow (one month late) Gabi will celebrate her HALF birthday at Pre-School! Yes, she is a summer bday girl, and to compensate her school celebrates half-birthdays! So, of course we took her to Walmart tonight to pick out plates and napkins. The hard part was explaining to her that there are no presents for half birthdays!! She is walking around the house singing "Happy Half Birthday to Gabi" I also made these froggy cupcakes that I am so proud of! They almost look like the picture in the recipe! LOL!!! (Truth: I cheated with store bought cupcakes)

"I Don't Need Anything....but YOU!!!"

Look at how cute our girls look! When did they grow up to be such young ladies?? Here is Gabi and Alex (aka Ya Ya) yesterday at their very first musical~ Annie. It was so fun enjoying their company, and even better to watch them enjoy each other's company.

Announcing...THE DRESS

Yes, I have FINALLY given in and ordered THE DRESS for Gabi's recital. A brief re-cap is that for Gabi's tap dance class she is dancing to "Baby Take a Bow" by Shirley Temple. I have watched this dance each May for the past TEN years at Nicki's dance recital. It is the first class offered to those cute beginning dancers- the 3 and 4 year olds. It is the only class in the studio where there is no set costume. The girls just wear cute little frilly dresses. So, I have dreamt of this dress since I saw that very first recital. I started imagining for my "daughter" who didn't even yet exist. And then Gabi came. So- here it is the debut of "THE DRESS" I went with cute, but not over-the-top. I didn't want her to look like a pageant princess.

Olive Picklejuice.....

This is what my daughter has re-named herself. She told me this morning that I can't call her Gabi anymore. I made the mistake of calling her "Olive Pickles"... gasp! I think this might be worse than when she was 2 and renamed herself "Taco Bell." Oh and she has a friend named "Poop on you". She knows she cannot say that phrase- it drives us nuts- so tonight she tells me that her friend is named "Poop on You". I told her "No you don't." She then breaks out in song "I have a friend, her name is Poop on You, My Mommy doesn't believe me...." Oh how I love this kid. You gotta admire her creativity. Sigh.

These Are the Things That Keep Me Awake at Night

Am I worthy of this child? She is so strong willed. She challenges my confidence daily with her stubborn, sometimes overwhelming personality. I am told this will benefit her one day, but if I have to have one more fight about the way her darn socks (or shirt, or pants, or underwear, or shoes, or hair accessory....) are fitting her, I just may LOSE IT!!!!