The Week of Reflections Has Begun

It happens with Gabi, so why am I surprised that it is happening with Ellie? Today, I am carrying a bittersweet cloud. I am in awe that Ellie is already going to be one in just 7 days. I am overcome with love for her. And I am sad that this all comes at the expense of another woman's loss. Yearly, I have shed tears on Gabi's birthday for Nicole. Not because I think she is longing for her or regretting her decision. It is for what I see everyday. What I know she has lost. For what she will never know in this little girl that she created. At first, it was a cognizant thought. I remembered to remember her. On her third birthday, in a gift shop on Martha's Vineyard, with no warning a sob caught in my throat and brought me to my knees. I mourn for what neither of my daughters birth mothers will ever know. I mourn for them, the absence of these amazing children in their lives.

Every waiting adoptive parent should buy an adoption "waiting" journal. For Gabi, I had "Til There Was You: An Adoption Expectancy Journal" and for Ellie I used "Waiting for You: An Heirloom Adoption Journal for My Future Child".

I was recently reflecting on some of my entries in the Ellie book.


I found the following excerpt both inspiring and blissful:


February 25, 2008 (month 19 of being "homestudy ready")


"My dearest Elliana~ I can finally sit down and write directly to YOU! Oh Ellie, in just 11 days you will enter this world and become a permanent member of our family. How I am longing to meet you! Your birthmother, Angela is such a kind person. She wants the best in life for you and I promise to always remember that!"


Nearly one year later, I still remember the love that Angela feels for her. Daily, I thank God for allowing us the joy of raising this perfect little being we call "Ellie".