I was prepared for this....NOT

Well, the words came from Gretchen today, before she even spoke them. I could tell that there was no miraculous change of heart here, no "I'm about to change your life" tone in her voice. Sigh. "They are going to parent this baby" Of course they are. I knew that. I could feel it in my heart. So WHY did I anticipate this phone call ALL weekend? Why did my heart skip a beat when I saw the familiar 212 area code on my phone? Because I am an optimist. I will forever believe in the possibility of things, until reality slaps me straight across the face. So- "Good-bye little guy! May you have a beautiful life."

I Don't Want to Shower Today

Ugh. I LOVE Jenna. She is one of my oldest and dearest friends-in fact, I adore her. I appreciate her lengthy plight filled with infertility treatments and ultimately a successful in-vitro. I am THRILLED that she will give birth to her first child, a son, in March. But, today I am feeling selfish. I question my ability to sit through her very well deserved baby shower this afternoon. It has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with me. You see, TOMORROW I will HOPEFULLY know the fate of the little guy that was born on 12-26-06. TOMORROW. 24 hours. Baby showers scare me. I don't trust myself. I don't want to know the emotions my body is capable of dredging up. But, I will go. I will hold my head high, and think outside of my world to share in her beautiful joy. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Hurry Up and Wait!

Ahhh! I am choosing red text because I am on FIRE! WTF? Social worker isn't meeting with Lisa and her Aunt until Monday- because that is "the earliest the Aunt was available for an appointment." WHAT? Tell me I have the chance to parent this little guy, and I'm there in as long as it takes me to throw some clothes into a suit case and drive 90 to get there! This isn't a freakin Dr. appointment that can just be re-scheduled here. We are talking about a human being. A tiny, helpless, needs-a-permanent-home-fast-so-he-can-bond-with-someone-forever-and-ever human being!!!

No Sympathy Here

My sensitive daughter at my dr. appointment today says to the nurse- out of the blue(no sign of needles)-- "You know, my mom's a crier when she gets her shots."

I feel sick....

I can't help it. I tried to not get my heart involved, but c'mon that is nearly impossible. We have been talking to a counselor from Spence Chapin since Monday about a baby boy that was born on 12-26-06. Things looked good. Things looked very good. Monday night- received 27 pages of paperwork- faxed it back Tuesday am. Tuesday afternoon, spoke with Gretchen again- she "loves" us. She even spoke with Howie for an HOUR! Poured my heart out to Lisa in a "Dear Lisa" letter that I finished this morning and emailed to Gretchen. All was looking up. Until. This morning. The "bad news" call came. Gretchen said that Lisa was trying to convince her Aunt to parent him. Her Aunt didn't want to at first, but seems to be coming around to the idea. What? Coming around to the idea? I would do flips and cartwheels and shout it to the world if I were chosen to be his Mommy. But I have not been. And probably won't be. The counselor is meeting with Lisa and her Aunt on Friday. She will take our profile "just in case." Oh, and as if that wasn't enough of a slap in the face, one of my 17 year old students came to share with me that her pregnancy test was positive last night. She wants to parent. She's only 17, and all I can think of is "lucky her."

Letterman = Birthfather ???

Ok, I KNOW that I am biased, I'll be the first to admit that. But I think my child is funny. Since she was a tiny baby she has been trying to make us laugh. She has a sense of humor that rivals Ellen.

Yesterday morning she wanted my coffee. It was hot, so I told her no. Her response: She threw her hands up in the air and screamed "YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY CAFFEINE!"

Yesterday afternoon on the way to my mom's house I told Gabi that we were having chicken and dumplings for dinner. Her response: "My doctor said I can't eat that."

I am thankful each day for the smiles she brings.

Gabism of the Day

Tonight, my frighteningly observant daughter and I had a conversation in the ladies room at Chili's that went like this:

"Mommy, are you having your period?

"Um, yes?"

"But you don't have any zits?"

First of all, that was hysterical imho. Secondly- for her to notice that I have complained of the two together AMAZES ME! If only Howie were that observant!

"Whatever God Gives Us"

AHHHH WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY? I saw a girl who graduated a year after I did at the gym tonight. She has SIX kids! NO multiples! She talked of having more- when I questioned if she would she replied "Whatever God gives us." What if God DOESN'T give you the ability to bear children? What does this mean? Is she closer to God because He has blessed her with the ability to conceive and deliver so many children? Have I done something wrong? Does God choose this path for us? I KNOW that Gabi was meant to be with us- believe me- that part I know without question. It's the rest that I can't figure out.

A Test of My Strength

So today I went with Julie to her 6 week OB appt. after having Jaida to watch the baby for her. What am I an idiot? A masochist? What on earth was I thinking? Why did I go to a place where most of the women boasted swollen tummy's and proud husbands? Although, as an aside- Gabi- in her usual blissful innocence brightened my day, yet again. Julie showed Gabi a picture of the Dr. holding Jaida after delivering her. Later, Gabi said to us "So, was Jaida mailed?" Julie replied "No, what made you ask that?" and Gabi said "Well you said she was delivered." Isn't that just priceless?!?!?

SNOW DAY

Even at the ripe old age of 31- nothing quite ignites that inner child in me like a SNOW DAY!!!! When the phone rang at 6am--too asleep to comprehend what was going on- as soon as I heard the word "closed" I was suddenly WIDE AWAKE, too excited to fall back to sleep! There is just something about the promise of a "free day", a day that has not been planned to the brim with details. Ahhhhhh, I sit here enjoying my coffee, checking my email, listening to Gabi play. Ahhhh. All is well with the world.

Things I Never Knew I'd Say

Since becoming a parent, I am sometimes suprised at the words that come out of my mouth to form sentences. I've decided to jot down a few, and will add more as I recall/compose them!

In no particular order:

"Even if you finish all of your dinner, you still can't have a tampon for dessert."

"It's not nice to step on people's heads."

"I really don't know why Gram's purse doesn't match her bra."

"No, the dentist won't be looking at my "coo-coo"

"Strawberry Shortcake will be so proud that you pooped on the potty, let's call her!"

Labor and Delivery

Two nights ago I spent HOURS sitting with Gabi cooing phrases such as "You are the bravest girl I know, you can do this," and "Push, Gabi, push it's right there, I can see it!" Finally, exhausted and no closer to "delivery" I put her into a warm bath. Within minutes she was on the potty succesfully "number two-ing"!!! The next day--not so good. She danced around poor Gram and Pap's from 9am-2pm crying and unable to sit on hard surfaces because she was in so much pain witholding. Finally, a flustered and helpless Gram offered her relief by saying "Just go in your pants." Within a minute, she was a new person with fresh underpants! Last night, we gave her 2 tablespoons of Milk of Magnesia per Dr's instructions (Yes, I call the Dr. about EVERYTHING!) Today, again Gabi painfully danced around Gram and Pap's for hours. At a physical for Gram, a consultation with her Dr. provided the suggestion of a "magic diaper" with the bummy cut out and decorated by Gabi. My child was happy to put Dora stickers on a cut up diaper but had zero intentions of wearing this on the potty or anywhere for that matter! Well, later this afternoon--thanks to the suggestions of my mom and Alyssa (and the adorable gift of a thoughtful student)--today we had official "delivery!!" On the ride home Gabi with her Eagle eyes spotted a sparkely new nail polish in the van (from Shavaughn to Gabi). After learning that I would present her with this gift as a reward for using the potty sucessfully she raced to the bathroom and let out a bowel movement that she had been holding onto painfully for about 5 hours! As I type, she JUST earned herself a new lipgloss!!!! WOO HOO!!

"Please Let Me Have a Belly Like Santa"

It's official- I am a terrible mother! Gabi is 3 years and 4 months old. I have let this go on for much, much too long. I knew it was time, when I read that I had written the same thing in the 2 year update to Cole, as in the 3 year. So- I consider Gabi to be fully potty trained- she never has accidents and always knows when she needs to go. The problem is that she will only make #1 in the potty. For #2 she gets a diaper and brings it to us. She does her business, and moves on. WELL- I know I have let this go on for too long. It is SO HARD to break her of it! This is much much harder than losing the binky. So- we are going cold turkey- no more diapers. It is SO HARD!! She cries. She dances around squeezing cheeks for hours. We talked about why she needs to get the "poopy" out- that it makes her belly big and hard and sore. She begged and pleaded with me to just let her "have a santa belly"- to not force her to poopy so that she could keep her belly big like Santa. She tried to tell me that she has a baby in her tummy, that's why it needs to be so big. She told me she wanted a big belly like me! This kid is full of so many excuses- each one sweeter than the next! How do I stay firm when she is so stinkin cute?!?!?! (no pun intended)

Gender Confusion

So- when I was "pregnant" with Gabi, I was drawn to girl clothes. I purchased several on-sale items through the waiting years: 5% were gender neutral, 5% were male, and yes, 90% were female clothes. I hoped for a girl (although I would have told you that "a healthy baby" was all that mattered). Anyway, this time around I am drawn to male clothing-- which by the way-- WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO GENDER NEUTRAL NEWBORN CLOTHING? Seriously, gone are the greens and yellows. Now there are blues and pinks. Or, if it is a green outfit it will have a truck on it, or a flower. Makes my impulse shopping extremely difficult, I'll tell you that! So, yes back to my original point- I have been looking mostly at male clothing this time. Is it an instinct? Is it a sign? Idk. I guess only time will tell.......

To be 3 Again....

Long story short: last night I spent 5 hours in the ER b/c of a kidney stone. So, I was given this painkiller that contained a "narcotic". WHEW! I don't remember much, but I DO remember feeling completely on the same level as Gabi. I was laughing and joking with her- thinking the whole while- "Wow, I really get her." Words sounded funny to me, and I shared that with Gabi. She agreed. We laughed so hard. She made me laugh. She had my full attention. I need to remember this. I want to listen to her more. I need to spend more time being 3 again, until she turns 4.....